Go On, Love Your Damn Self.

Hello readers? 

It's been a while since I wrote. Keep saying I shall, then I don't,  Lots of stuff I guess that clearly, that's not been worth it. :-) Bad choices I reckon.

I got to reading books again. The best decision of my life once again. A hobby I learned from my dad. Bury myself in the world of other peoples'  thoughts. Not a bad idea. Fictional and intelligent ones. These have shaped my thinking. I try to speak less, listen more. Act when need be. 
But yesterday, all this changed. I began to see a different me. Why shouldn't I speak my mind? Have my own mental notes?  Act in ways that would make me a better person for me and this bubbly  creature? Well...

Anyway, I diverse. Loving oneself. Something I rarely do.  Hmm, such a cliche right? Who doesn't? Well me...and a few others I know. Discovered that so many a times I have put others first. May it be family, boyfriend or friends, it's weird how I don't like hurting people and so I choose a further second place after everyone else. And No, am not Jesus. 

So this backward mentality has made me such a puppet. Always willing to please others in ways I think fits them. I spread and stretch to make them feel good about themselves. Heck, at the end of the day? Exhaustion, tears coupled with unfulfilled ambitions. I have come to realize that some situations in life push others to place you on a pedestal. Give you a title based on your experiences. Treat you badly just because they can. You become accustomed to being placed second. You become a mere rag. You become comfortable as second in the most obscene situations. You cease to think and reason. 

You become that puppet that makes them feel better about themselves. You let the psycho feed on your poor, beautiful, tied soul. You settle for less and becomes the ladder they get over on. 

Reminds me of this boyfriend I had. Who would literally check on how his ex was doing. Basically knew when she was sick or not. Gave her money for her ailing body. Yet I would believe there was nothing going on. Sat there and fed from the lies dripping from his painted "innocent" mouth. Or when he would flirt with his accountant, texts of how jealous he was of the husband. Just a flirt ..I was made to believe. Till I decided, you know what, am tired of being second.

So today I decided to be a bit tad different. Live as though am unique..ain't I?(Oh the obvious things I repeat to myself..funny) I bet being born a first born, I barely had time for me. Others were born soon after I could even learn to speak. And BAM BAM, I was forced to grow up. After completing my studies, decided to get married almost a year later. There I was! Caroline became a parent of two. A man with a beard and a little girl who saw me as her savior. Basically, no time for me. A routine I perfectly mastered. And all I became was the engineer who drilled others waaayyy ahead of herself. 

So from the disappointments of a bad economy, a relationship, a divorce, fake friends, work, it's time to  decide to let things go. Untie the bonds of low self evaluation on yourself too. 

I found a secret mission of some sort. An "alpha tigress mission". I put myself to look at myself better in the mirror. A more beautiful me. Not judged by my weight or career, not my religious beliefs or political inclination. I became a judge of myself. A good judge.  A better person. I have come to know that if I take this initiative for my life, then I will be able to accomplish my goals and live a foot print that will last a lifetime for my daughter.

"Confidence and esteem has nothing to do with how you react to what other people think of you", said Altucher.
 

People will always find ways to make you cover their dirty linen. Give you a title to make you less of a human being. Jobless, divorcee, baren, good-for-nothing. But always remember only you alone have the keys to your liberation. Also Read This

 You are a distant traveler, you've come along way to be here, to be with us for such a short and precious time.

Go on, love yourself, be with people who make you happy. 

Complete your mission.